dream (2)

i saw you again tonight.
this time, we sat together on a bus. ryan (was that his name?) and brandon were there too. the four of us laughed like best friends, which was weird because i barely knew any of you.

we all talked a lot about school, and about books, and that one film that recently came out, but none of us had had the chance to go watch it yet. “let’s go watch it together some time,” you suggested, and the rest of us heartily agreed.

and then ryan asked you what university you were going to next year, and you flipped your hair and laughed. “i didn’t apply for early admission; i’ll get responses in march or april.”

he was going to carnegie mellon to major in comp sci, and brandon and i teased him for being mainstream. “why not stay here to study that? the program’s just as good, and you’ll probably have a better chance at getting a job once you graduate.”

i don’t remember the rest of our conversation, but i can still see your face so clearly that this might not have been a dream at all. the sun’s shining through the window, and the bus we ride drives past lush green hills and cloudless blue skies. everything feels warm and citrusy…

…and in real life, i sat behind you in class, wishing that i hadn’t made a bad impression on you the first week we met. i wanted to befriend you, but we lived in two completely different worlds. you were so charismatic and affable, while i was afraid of everything…

why did you leave?

why did you leave school, before we ever talked to each other?

why didn’t you give me a chance?

or rather, why didn’t i have the courage to speak to you?

i pass brandon in the hallways during passing periods, and our eyes always meet. but we’ve never talked to each other before, not even once. and ryan – i don’t even know if his name is actually ryan, or if that was just part of the dream…

our bus was later struck by a train, but you were the only one that died.

<<originally written 1.10.14>>

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