in a land of nostalgia

with every passing thought, i rot away,
surrounded by the day’s ephemera.
the sun is grey, the skies are black,
and the road i walk is a blemished white.
yet while the trees are bleached of their vivid hues,
only rain can penetrate the shadowy veil,
allowing me
to drown
in the colors of a monochrome world.


janowrimo update (2) – productivity

i’ve been keeping a journal.

it’s one i started on january first. the gist of it is to write one line every day that summarizes whatever you did that day. these past entries have been rather dull, and are more about school than anything else.

today, however, was quite productive.

i’ve written several pages of my novel, and i like where it’s going so far. i think the eureka! moment was when i finally felt comfortable with a certain writing style (which in this case is first person pov, present tense). rereading some of my writing now, it actually sounds similar to how i write on this blog. i don’t drop all caps while writing by hand, though, because that would probably develop into an awful habit that i wouldn’t be able to break. whenever i read my posts here on citrusy, i always imagine myself whispering the words. that’s not what i’m aiming for in my novel, so sticking to the standard writing style works.

in other news, i also finished the majority of my assignments, worked on some of the pieces i’m going to compete with next week (for piano), and practiced baking lemon bars. my friend’s birthday is this tuesday! and we’re going to celebrate at school. birthdays are always super happy occasions. c:


dream (2)

i saw you again tonight.
this time, we sat together on a bus. ryan (was that his name?) and brandon were there too. the four of us laughed like best friends, which was weird because i barely knew any of you.

we all talked a lot about school, and about books, and that one film that recently came out, but none of us had had the chance to go watch it yet. “let’s go watch it together some time,” you suggested, and the rest of us heartily agreed.

and then ryan asked you what university you were going to next year, and you flipped your hair and laughed. “i didn’t apply for early admission; i’ll get responses in march or april.”

he was going to carnegie mellon to major in comp sci, and brandon and i teased him for being mainstream. “why not stay here to study that? the program’s just as good, and you’ll probably have a better chance at getting a job once you graduate.”

i don’t remember the rest of our conversation, but i can still see your face so clearly that this might not have been a dream at all. the sun’s shining through the window, and the bus we ride drives past lush green hills and cloudless blue skies. everything feels warm and citrusy…

…and in real life, i sat behind you in class, wishing that i hadn’t made a bad impression on you the first week we met. i wanted to befriend you, but we lived in two completely different worlds. you were so charismatic and affable, while i was afraid of everything…

why did you leave?

why did you leave school, before we ever talked to each other?

why didn’t you give me a chance?

or rather, why didn’t i have the courage to speak to you?

i pass brandon in the hallways during passing periods, and our eyes always meet. but we’ve never talked to each other before, not even once. and ryan – i don’t even know if his name is actually ryan, or if that was just part of the dream…

our bus was later struck by a train, but you were the only one that died.

<<originally written 1.10.14>>